Winter Sunlight

SGA Christmas story: "Christmas in the Holly-Free Zone"

The irony of this is that just a day or so ago, I commented in an email to tipper_green that I find Season 1-era fics a bit odd to read -- considering how the team dynamic is different, and all -- completely forgetting that I was actually WRITING one at the time.

However, some kinds of stories -- "getting to know you" type stories -- can only be done in Season 1. And here is my SGA Christmas story of the year. In some ways, it's kind of a deliberate antidote to the sappiness of most Christmas stories (you'll see what I mean when you read it). Not that I can resist a liberal sprinkling of friendshippiness here and there, though. After all, this is ME. And thank you to sgatazmy for the beta, as well as NotTasha for pointing out a continuity error which has been fixed.

Due to LJ's frellin' character limits, this is posted in two parts.


Title: Christmas in the Holly-Free Zone
Rating: quite mild, barely a PG
Word Count: About 11,000
Season/Spoilers/Warnings: Season 1. Since the series isn't very specific about dates, I'm setting it shortly before "Brotherhood" -- so the friendships are established, but the Wraith threat is still distant enough that they're not worrying about it every waking minute.
Summary: It's the first Christmas on Atlantis. Sheppard's a candy cane, Kavanagh's an elf, Heightmeyer has a cunning plan to build team spirit, Elizabeth has a headache and Rodney's just boycotting the whole thing. Humor, friendship.


Christmas in the Holly-Free Zone


In a galaxy not their own, on a planet with so little axial tilt that "winter" and "summer" had no meaning, the staff of Atlantis still clung to the calendar of Earth. It was one small way of maintaining a connection with a homeworld that they might never see again.

There were those among them, like Rodney or Sheppard, who had never really cared what day it was back on Earth, let alone in a new galaxy. Rodney wouldn't have minded if the Gregorian calendar had been replaced by a new calendar based on seconds counted forward from the Big Bang -- in fact, he would probably have appreciated its mathematical simplicity, had he even noticed the change. Others, like Elizabeth and Ford, held to the calendar with a fierce, almost religious fixation, marking off a square each night. To Elizabeth, knowing that it was Monday the 10th or Tuesday the 4th really mattered -- in no small part because it was also Monday the 10th for Simon; and on a different world, under a different sun, he would be marking his calendar too.

And the Atlanteans still kept to their holidays, although with so many different countries and customs represented on the station, it was rare for everyone to celebrate something together. As time went on, though, Elizabeth noticed a slow bleed-over between the holiday celebrations of different national groups, as people began to join their coworkers for holidays not their own. On the American Thanksgiving, for example, the cafeteria staff -- most of whom were not actually American -- turned out a respectable feast, featuring roasted, vaguely birdlike creatures and something which almost bore a passing resemblance to mashed potatoes ... and the entire staff, aside from the vegetarians, turned up to join in.

Teyla even introduced them to an Athosian holiday called Mehalia, which had taken place every full moon on Athos -- about every 45 days. It involved dancing, storytelling and little puppet-like decorations that reminded Elizabeth of the Kachina dolls from the American southwest. As the months went by, it became common to see Mehalia dolls used as everything from desktop ornaments to the puddlejumper equivalent of fuzzy dice.

By the time Christmas rolled around, Elizabeth was entirely unsurprised by the flurry of preparations leading up to the holiday. People were sneaking around whispering and hiding packages behind their coworkers' backs. She'd authorized an ever-increasing number of trading expeditions through the gate on paper-thin pretexts. She caught the gateroom staff cutting snowflakes on duty, and the Marines' quarters had a life-size Santa Claus, in fatigues, posted on mock guard duty outside. Grodin and Zelenka had figured out how to make the citywide speakers play Christmas carols.

It was all obviously driving Rodney crazy.

The science labs were the one place on Atlantis where Christmas had not managed to penetrate, at least not very much. Rodney tended to turn a blind eye to the way that his scientists conducted their lives, on or off duty, as long as they also managed to accomplish unreasonable quantities of work without blowing anything up. You could paint yourself purple and use your lab computer to send obscene emails, as long as you got your work done. On the other hand, he would also mercilessly mock anything that turned up on people's desks which he found silly, peculiar or -- the bane of his existence -- cute. He didn't tell anyone to put away their Hello Kitty memorabilia or their "12 Months of Puppies" calendar ... he just mocked them until it was usually easier to keep an austere workstation than to deal with him.

As Christmas grew nearer, a few paper candy canes and an odd wreath or two had crept their way onto the desks of particularly stubborn, thick-skinned scientists, but most people didn't see any point in adding to their already full load of stress. It had been the same way with Halloween, except for the candy ... and they'd ended up hiding that in order to keep Rodney from wandering by each candy-stocked workstation every five minutes to grab another piece. The last thing anyone wanted was to encourage Rodney to stand over you while you were working.

It wasn't that Rodney hated Christmas, it was simply that he despised the glitter and kitsch and the way that it kept people from working. Sheppard wasn't much of a Christmas person either, but he'd quickly discovered that for sheer Rodney-annoying potential, nothing could beat humming Christmas carols -- or, better yet, the "You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch" song from the Dr. Seuss holiday special. The only part of the song that he could remember was that one line, but repeating it ad infinitum worked like a charm. It got to the point where as soon as he turned up in the lab, Rodney would grab the nearest hand-sized, non-explosive object and throw it at him.

Elizabeth had to order him to stop it during meetings. As entertaining as it was to watch Rodney turn six shades of purple, the song was starting to annoy everyone else, too.

In addition to being used as a pretext for pestering coworkers, Christmas was also the perfect opportunity for a holiday party. They hadn't held a real, base-wide party since the initial "Hey, we're not dead!" celebration when they'd first arrived, and Elizabeth thought that her personnel could really use it. They'd all been strained to the limit for months -- as if the constant threat of the Wraith wasn't bad enough, there were also the shortages of just about everything, the stress of being separated from home and family, the nonstop personality conflicts and, of course, the near-constant crises to deal with. Not only would the holiday party be a nice opportunity for everyone to relax and forget their problems for a while, but Elizabeth intended to get as many people as possible involved with the preparation. Kate kept talking to her about the importance of team-building exercises. As far as Elizabeth was concerned, every day in the Pegasus Galaxy was a team-building exercise, but this might be a good opportunity to try it and see how it worked.

In retrospect, it was probably a mistake. No, check that: definitely a mistake. But hindsight, they say, is 20-20.



"Would you rather be an elf or a candy cane?"

Dr. Simpson's innocent and not very prudent question to Rodney got a long, level stare in return. After a moment, he responded, "Simpson, I'll make a note to put you down for an appointment with Heightmeyer after your shift."

"Dr. Heightmeyer's the one who wanted me to ask you."

It was a trick question; it had to be. "Elf" probably meant that you harbored a secret desire for your mother; "candy cane" meant that you were dealing with repressed memories of having been molested by the mailman at the age of five. Was it any wonder he hated psychiatrists? "Neither," he snapped.

Simpson consulted the clipboard tucked under her arm. "Well, you can't be a snowman; we already have enough of those. We're still looking for reindeer, but I didn't really think you'd want to do that. Although if you really want to --"

Horrific visions of second-grade Christmas pageants danced through his head. "Go ask Kavanagh; I'm sure he'd love to be a candy cane."

She checked her clipboard again. "He's already an elf."

This entirely unwanted visual was the last straw. "Get back to work, dammit!"

After that he managed to work in peace for a whole half hour, until Sheppard approached him stealthily from behind, leaned over his shoulder and said in a conspiratorial whisper, "I'm a candy cane."

Rodney stiffened, carefully laid down his tools and squared them up on his desktop, and said calmly, "And I'm a little teapot. Don't you have someone else to annoy?"

Sheppard rocked back on his heels with a grin. "You don't have the slightest idea what I'm talking about, do you?"

"Simpson was in here earlier, babbling about elves and reindeer. I blamed it on the contagion of general holiday mania that's been infecting everyone around here. At least the nanovirus just killed people rather than turning them into drooling idiots draped in holly."

"They're Heightmeyer's cutesy names for the teams who're putting the holiday party together." At Rodney's blank look, he said, "You know, the one next Friday? Er, or maybe it's a Tuesday ... anyway, Christmas Eve."

"I figured there'd be something along those lines. It's kind of inevitable. I'm just still trying to wrap my brain around the idea that you're on a decorating committee. Do they make gingham aprons in your size, Major?"

Sheppard snorted. "I'm playing airline pilot, mostly. I'll be ferrying Athosians from the mainland for the party ... any of them who want to come, that is, and I guess most of them do. I'm about to head out there to collect evergreen branches. Dropped by to see if you want to come."

"Why, in this galaxy or any other, Major, would I want to come?"

Sheppard leaned forward and folded his arms on the desktop. "Look, Rodney, just between you and me, I know this whole thing is idiotic, frivolous and pointless. But it's also kind of fun. I've been talking to Elizabeth about it, and she's right -- we're all at our breaking points, and it's nice for everybody just to have something to take their mind off the Wraith. The idea is just to spend a few days goofing off, eating good food and generally enjoying ourselves. So come on out to the mainland with me and Ford. You can bring your laptop and hang out in the shade, just help us carry branches every once in a while."

It was insanely tempting. But he just had too much to do, and it wasn't as if he didn't spend every waking minute with Sheppard and Ford on missions anyhow. "Major, I'm sorry, but swatting bugs and getting poked with sticks isn't exactly my idea of a good time. I get plenty of that on the other side of the Stargate. When I'm back here, I'd really rather have a nice comfortable chair and indoor bathrooms."

"You know, they're starting to call you 'Scrooge' around the labs."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "I've been called far worse things. You know, Major, the biggest problem that I have with Christmas is the idea that there's something wrong with you if you don't spend every waking minute humming stupid songs and hanging mistletoe around your desk. And before you ask, because Heightmeyer has asked, I didn't have some kind of horrific Santa-related trauma as a child. I admit that my holidays weren't exactly the stuff of which Normal Rockwell paintings are made, but I have yet to meet a person who did have that kind of childhood unless they're lying. Anyway, the point is--"

"You wouldn't mind Christmas so much if it wasn't so ... involuntary."

Rodney snapped his fingers and pointed at Sheppard. "Exactly, Major. I knew you'd understand."

"I'm still a candy cane, though, Rodney."

"That's your problem, not mine." Rodney leaned forward, squinting at the little piece of paper pinned to Sheppard's black shirt. "Dear God, is that what I think it is?"

Sheppard glanced down at it, and self-consciously covered it with his arm. "Er, yes, it's a candy cane. Heightmeyer drew them. All the committees -- er, teams, groups, squads identify themselves with --"

"I don't want to hear it. Go and deck the damn halls; just leave me out of it."



Rodney didn't know what he was missing, Sheppard thought.

It might be winter back at home -- at least in his part of the world -- but the Atlantean mainland was, as always, lush and green. Aerial reconnaissance had turned up vast bands of pinelike trees on the low mountains crisscrossing the continent's interior. The two puddlejumpers on E.P., a.k.a. evergreen patrol -- one piloted by Sheppard, the other by Markham -- set down in an alpine meadow and Sheppard dispatched his small detachment of Marines to branch-cutting duty.

It was lovely. Although the coast was hot and humid at this time of year, the air in the mountains hovered at about seventy degrees, and a light breeze blew away the clouds of gossamer-blue biting insects that the Athosians called ascara after an insect on their homeworld. (Ford called them bluesquitoes; Sheppard, in deference to the holiday season, refrained from comment.) Sheppard had told Elizabeth that it was hard work and they'd probably be gone all day; with a conspiratorial grin, she'd just said to be back by dark. So they had brought a sack lunch and, after the half hour or so that it took to stuff both puddlejumpers with greenery, they scattered into the woods. "Stay in radio contact and have fun" was Sheppard's only order. According to the Athosians, the mainland was largely harmless. There were some predators, but it was no more dangerous than, say, hiking in the Maine woods.

Sheppard and Ford climbed a crag behind the meadow where they'd parked the puddlejumpers. From the top, the land spread out below them in a quilt of green and misty blue. "You know, sir, and not to give the wrong impression, but it's kind of nice to be able to do something like this without, er ..."

"Babysitting scientists," Sheppard said, grinning.

Ford grinned back. "Yes, sir."

"Point taken, Lieutenant." And it was definitely refreshing to be out in the woods with a group of people who could all handle themselves and weren't likely to fall off a cliff while staring at a scanner. In all honestly, Sheppard was impressed by how the scientists, particularly Rodney, were learning to handle themselves in the field. But there was still a definite tension involved with herding around a group of civilians. It was a nice change of pace to just relax, enjoy the day and figure on getting back to Atlantis with nobody suffering from anything worse than a mild case of sunburn.

"So what now?" Ford wondered.

There was something a little odd about having a whole afternoon with nothing scheduled, nothing planned, nothing to do. Sheppard scanned the panorama beneath them, and his eyes fixed on a beautiful little lake, gleaming like a jewel among the trees. "Do you swim, Lieutenant?"

"Love to, sir."

"Call the men and let them know where we're going. See if anyone wants to come." Sheppard turned around, took five steps towards the path, and, still talking to Ford, fell down a hole.



"I can't wait to hear this story."

"Doc, can't he leave?" Sheppard demanded between clenched teeth. Rodney had pulled up a chair next to the cot on which Beckett was currently examining the Major's ankle, and he positively quivered with badly suppressed amusement. Most of the other cots in the infirmary were also occupied with various Marines being fussed over by medical personnel.

"The way I heard it," Elizabeth said, also looking vastly entertained, "John fell down a forty-foot vertical shaft in the limestone that was covered with vegetation. Luckily he hung up halfway down."

"Luckily," Sheppard grumbled. "Tell that to my skinned elbows. Good thing we had rope in the puddlejumpers."

Rodney leaned forward attentively. "If you hung up halfway down, then how'd you manage to hurt your ankle?"

"That happened later, when I was trying to rescue Ford from the quicksand."

"And Ford was in quicksand because ...?"

"Escaping from the wolves," Ford said from the next bed over.

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "I didn't even know there were wolves on the mainland."

"Imagine our surprise," Sheppard said.

Rodney's smile had reached terminal levels of smugness. "Yes, and imagine my surprise to be passing through the control room, en route to Elizabeth's office, only to hear that there was some kind of massive rescue operation on the mainland involving most of the Marines, initially trying to save you people and, subsequently, each other."

"The coastal mainland is very safe." Teyla looked concerned and somewhat guilty. "Apparently the interior is less safe."

Sheppard winced as Beckett wrapped his twisted ankle. "Yes, what tipped you off? Was it the killer bees, or maybe the jumping snakes that can spit poison up to, what was it, Stackhouse, forty feet away?"

"More like fifty, I'd say, sir." One side of the soldier's face was swathed in bandages.

"And let this be a lesson to you people," Rodney informed them. "Christmas kills. Did you know more people die during the holidays than at any other time of year?"

Sheppard accepted an ice pack from Beckett. "Somehow I don't think they're normally eaten by wolves, Rodney."

Beckett had moved on to another patient, and they could overhear part of the conversation: "And the cracked ribs happened when you were swept over the waterfall, son?"

"No, sir, we went over the waterfall to get away from the bees. The ribs happened in the avalanche."

Rodney looked vindicated, and even more insufferably smug than before. "Well, if you want me, I'll be in my lab, where Christmas isn't trying to kill me." He left, still grinning.

Elizabeth sat down on the edge of Sheppard's bed. "He hasn't looked that cheerful in days."

"Just wait. I finally got Zelenka to tell me how to turn on the Muzak in the labs. Rodney won't know what hit him."

"Please try not to drive him over the edge, John. I need my head scientist sane ... or at least as sane as he ever is." She gestured at the bandaged ankle. "How's it feeling?"

He shrugged, adjusting the ice pack. "Took a couple Tylenol. It's fine. I'm supposed to stay off it, but that's just doc-talk for 'don't run a marathon'."

"No, Major, it means 'stay off the ankle or I'll have you confined to quarters'," Beckett told him in passing. "The halls of Atlantis will be decked in good order without you."

"I don't care about the halls, I just want to make sure nobody scratches the puddlejumpers while unloading evergreen boughs," Sheppard retorted.

Elizabeth patted him on the leg. "Surprise -- they're already unloaded. The scientists did it, and without a scratch, I'm told. The halls are being decked even as we speak. And, in fact, I should probably go up to the gateroom to make sure none of the exits are being blocked with boughs of holly ... or the local equivalent. Have you noticed what an odd smell it has?"

"I flew back here in a jumper full of it ... sort of hard to miss. Reminds me a little bit of skunks."

"It makes me think of gooseberries," Elizabeth said. "We used to pick them when I was a kid. The bushes smelled like that. That was a pleasant smell, though; this is much less so. I hope the smell fades as they dry, because it could get to be a bit much over time."



By the following morning, decorations had begun to spring up all over Atlantis as the hall-decking went into full swing. There had been some decorating before, but now the place was starting to look undeniably festive. Walking to the cafeteria with Heightmeyer, Elizabeth paused as something caught her eye on one of the walls: a little reindeer was chalked underneath one of the wreaths. "That's unusual."

"It means the Reindeer group did this corridor," Kate explained. "I thought that an informal contest might be fun for them -- friendly competition helps bond groups of people together."

"Or cause hurt feelings. I want this to stay fun, Kate."

Heightmeyer raised her hands. "It's all strictly in the spirit of fun. Simpson suggested it, actually, and I thought it was a wonderful idea. We can have a vote at the party, or put up a ballot box -- just something to give everyone a little incentive to get involved. Contests are often used at company retreats to get people involved with their coworkers. It's really excellent for team-building; I've seen it work wonders."

The mood in the cafeteria was high-energy, with groups clustered at each table, cutting out snowflakes and twisting wreaths while they ate. Kate waved a hand around, as if to say, See? And she was right, Elizabeth thought, taking her place in the mess line. They really did need something like this. Maybe it was silly to waste their time vying to see who could build the biggest wreath, with the threat of space vampires hanging over their heads, but people didn't do well under constant stress. Everyone needed to blow off steam sometimes.

Elizabeth had to duck under a massive garland to get to the dessert table, and she noticed in passing that the garland was tagged with a tiny little piece of paper, with a candy cane penciled crudely in the corner. So the "candy canes" had done this one. She wondered if Sheppard was involved. Looking around, she noticed the Major at a table in the corner, with McKay and Teyla. Kate had gone to join a couple of her friends at another table, so Elizabeth made her way over to Sheppard's team. "Mind if I join you?"

"As long as you, unlike some people, can manage to avoid off-key attempts to imitate Bing Crosby," Rodney said with a pointed look at Sheppard, who was quietly humming White Christmas while sticking little bitty candy canes along the edge of the table.

Teyla spoke up eagerly. "Dr. Weir, you had promised to teach me some of your Christmas festival songs. Dr. McKay says I should not learn from the Major because his renditions are not correct."

"Tin ear," Rodney muttered.

That's right ... Teyla had expressed interest in learning Christmas carols. Ignoring the look of despair on Rodney's face, Elizabeth said, "Come by my office later today, Teyla. I'm sorry; I'd forgotten."

"You're just trying to make my life difficult, aren't you, Elizabeth?"

"It's not a conspiracy, Rodney. Besides, it'll all be over in a couple of days."

Rodney opened his mouth to answer her and then squealed, "Major!" as Sheppard stuck a little candy cane on his arm. "Quit that!" he snapped, crumpling it and throwing it across the table. It bounced off Ford's forehead and fell into his coffee. "Er, sorry." Glowering at Sheppard, who continued to single-mindedly stick the crudely drawn candy canes along the edge of the table, he demanded, "Must you do that?"

"Yep." Sheppard grinned. "I'm the head of Candy Cane Squad. I have to set an example for the men."

"I'm not sure whether to be amused or horrified that you're so enthusiastic about this," Rodney grumbled. "No, wait, it's not really a question at all, is it? Horror appears to be the order of the day." He rose, grabbing his tray, and stalked out.

Ford frowned after the physicist's retreating back, and then at his CO decorating the table. "I never thought I'd say this, but I think I'll be glad when Christmas is over and everything goes back to normal. Well, as normal as it gets around here, anyway."

Sheppard slapped a candy cane on Ford's arm. "Come on, Lieutenant; we have decorating exercises at 0900 in the gateroom -- let's get a move on." He got up, immediately forgot about his injured ankle and nearly took a header in Teyla's lap.

Elizabeth wordlessly thrust his crutches at him.

"I really don't need these things," Sheppard muttered, the fact that he was hanging onto the edge of the table notwithstanding.

Elizabeth just raised an eyebrow at him. "Carson says you'll be off them in a couple of days, if you actually use them. Otherwise, you may need surgery. Which would you prefer, Major?"

Sheppard groaned and grabbed the crutches from her. Ford stood up and balanced both his CO's tray and his own. "You coming, Teyla?" Sheppard asked her.

"I am not a candy cane," Teyla said primly. "I am a reindeer, and we are decorating the infirmary in half an hour."

"Hey, we already did the infirmary," Ford protested.

A little smile curved Teyla's lips. "But we shall do it better," she said, and with apologetic nods to the others at the table, she excused herself and strode purposefully out of the mess.

Elizabeth wondered whether all of this should be worrying her.




The rest of the day was consumed by preparations for the holiday party, which would be held on the following day, Christmas Eve. Elizabeth's brain was whirling with calculations -- how many punchbowls would they need, and what would they make them out of? Which planet was it where they'd traded for those eggs, and could they possibly get a couple hundred more in the next six hours? When she found herself cracking a bad joke to Halling about how many puddlejumper pilots it took to ferry Athosians from the mainland, she decided that it was time to head down to the mess to grab some food and get out of her office for a little while. Her temples were pounding with a stress headache; hopefully getting some food in her stomach would help.

The halls were now decked to within an inch of their lives. The greenery that the Marines had obtained -- at great personal cost -- was draped across every surface with garlands and swags, wreaths and sprigs. Occasionally she'd catch a glimpse of industrious decorators scampering about, stapling up wreaths and draping garlands and -- wait, had that been Dr. Biro ripping a garland off the wall? By the time she got there, the stocky figure had vanished down the hall, and a wreath with a bow made of surgical rubber tubing was hanging in place of the offending garland. Stopping to peer at the little chalk mark that identified the decorating team, Elizabeth raised her eyebrows when she saw a little candy cane crossed out and replaced by a stick-figure reindeer, which in turn had been scribbled over and replaced with a large elf ear drawn in a different color of chalk.

The decorations in the cafeteria, too, were quite different than this morning -- the garlands were located in different places, and there were now paper chains everywhere. Elizabeth sighed; they really didn't have enough paper to be doing this with it.

As she picked out a muffin and a roll, she heard the clunking of a rubber crutch tip behind her, and looked over her shoulder to see that Sheppard had graduated to just one crutch rather than two. "As you can see, Kavanagh's minions have taken the canteen," he said, grabbing a roll himself, and then perked up. "But I'm getting the men together tonight, and we'll regain all the territory we've lost."

"It's not a war exercise, John."

"Oh, c'mon, everyone's having fun," Sheppard said, just as a loud clamor broke out on the far side of the cafeteria.

Sheppard abandoned his crutch and made a limping beeline for the commotion, with Elizabeth on his heels. By the time they got there, an actual, honest-to-goodness brawl was in progress -- or, rather, a combination brawl and food-fight, involving an ever-expanding circle of Atlantis personnel as noncombatants reacted to having misdirected muffins bounce off their heads or coworkers landing in the middle of their Chef's Surprise.

Before Elizabeth realized what he was doing, Sheppard had already drawn his 9-mil and fired it twice into the ceiling. Everyone froze in position, fists in the air, one scientist brandishing a chair over a female Marine. The Ancient equivalent of plaster dust sifted down lightly from the bullet holes.

"You're fixing that," Elizabeth said out of the corner of her mouth to a smug-looking Sheppard, and then raised her voice to carry. "Who wants to tell me what happened here?"

As near as they could determine, one of the Snowmen had been caught in the act of stripping one of the cafeteria walls of the Elves' decorations. The Elves had retaliated by dunking his head in the cafeteria pudding vat. Things had deteriorated from there.

Sheppard gave the offending Marines a good dressing-down, while Elizabeth did the same to the guilty civilians, and then the two of them left the culprits cleaning up the mess while they went back to resume their interrupted meal. Sheppard was limping heavily now, and picked up his crutch without complaint; Elizabeth bit back on the temptation to mention it, knowing that if she really wanted him to use the crutch, the absolute last thing she wanted to do was nag him about it.

"Just good clean fun," she said, pouring herself a cup of the Athosian tea that many of the expedition members had begun to appreciate.

"All right, so they're maybe taking it a little seriously."

"A little?"

"C'mon, Elizabeth, cut 'em some slack. We've been living in a combat zone for months; everyone's in a ... what would the psychobabble be ... heightened state of combat readiness, or something." Sheppard snagged himself a couple of cookies, looked at the pudding for a minute and then gave it a pass. "Besides, the party's in, what, twenty-four hours? I don't think they have time to go completely insane."

Elizabeth sighed as she sat down. "I really wish you hadn't said that."

"I'm not superstitious," Sheppard retorted, popping half a cookie in his mouth. Seeing Elizabeth rub her temples, he asked, "Are you all right?"

"Headache," she sighed. "It's been a long day, and it's not over yet."



Elizabeth's headache only intensified throughout the evening, especially when Sheppard clumped by her office to let her know that he'd heard from Bates of other fights breaking out around the city.

"Just had one in the infirmary, in fact. Two of Carson's nurses. They were both trying to decorate the same patch of wall. At least they were handy to the first-aid supplies ... and the big needles."

Elizabeth's head sank down into her hands; she ran her fingers through her hair. "Is it too much to ask that we could get through the holidays without anyone on this station being maimed or, God forbid, killed?"

"Too late for the maiming part." Sheppard pointed to his ankle. "Also, the doc wants to see you, when you have a minute."

Her head snapped up. "Why?" Then her eyes narrowed. "You mentioned the headache, didn't you?"

"Just because I was down there anyway." The dancing mischief faded from Sheppard's eyes. "Apparently, you're not the only one -- by a long shot. Beckett told me he's had a steady stream of people coming into the infirmary with headaches, and a few people down with crippling migraines."

Her heart leaped into her throat. "It couldn't be another nanovirus --"

"Doc says no; besides, Atlantis would've locked down again, if we had anything like that running around. Could just be stress. But he wants to see you anyway."

For Elizabeth's part, she still wanted to grab John and shake some sense into him. She had a lot of work to do tonight, and discussing her medical problems with Carson was not part of that. But exhaustion managed to push aside frustration, and she shoved back her chair. "Fine. I could use a walk anyway. But the next time I tell you something about my health, for God's sake keep it in confidence; do you think you can manage that?"

Sheppard drew back in surprise at the vehemence of her response. "Sorry. I didn't realize it was in confidence."

"No, no ..." Elizabeth rubbed at the bridge of her nose. "I didn't mean to snap at you. Just a very, very long day."

There was a sharp tap at her office door and Bates stuck his head inside. "Sorry to interrupt, sir, but we're having some problems with the bast-- I mean, some of the men down in the barracks wing." His uniform was slightly askew, and the reindeer pinned to the shoulder showed signs of having been crumpled and flattened out.

Sheppard sighed, and exchanged a look with Elizabeth. She saw some of her own worry reflected there; stress was one thing, but this was really starting to get out of control. Sheppard clumped out after Bates, and Elizabeth thought about sitting back down at her chair, just to be stubborn. She hated having people tell her what to do, and the fact that Sheppard thought he could waltz down to the infirmary and rat her out to Beckett ... For an instant she just wanted to do something to get even with him. Maybe she could order Rodney to sabotage one of the puddlejumpers. That ought to fix his little red wagon...

Now, wait a minute. Elizabeth frowned thoughtfully at her reflection in the glass walls of her office. She figured that she had a perfect right to be a little annoyed with John, but not to the point of plotting revenge.

Maybe she ought to see Carson after all.

On her walk to the infirmary, she noticed a palpable air of tension in the corridors. Many of the people who passed her had their heads down and were ignoring everyone around them. Some of them rubbed at their foreheads as if they, too, were experiencing headaches.

There is definitely something going on here.

"Elizabeth! Just the person I've been looking for!" Rodney's strident voice sent a sharp spike of pain through her skull.

"What?" she snapped.

He recoiled at her reaction, but rallied quickly. "My plan for increasing the power output of the naquadah generators, of course." At her blank look, he sighed impatiently. "Haven't you read any of my emails? I've been sending them to you all day. I think I can boost the power output by as much as five percent. And I know that doesn't sound like much, but if it means the difference between being able to have hot water in the whole city or only half the city --"

"Rodney, I've had other things on my mind today, such as planning a holiday party for the entire city."

"Oh, that." He waved a dismissive hand. "In one day, Elizabeth, the gift wrap will be in shreds, the plum cake, or whatever the cafeteria's planning on churning out, won't be anything more than crumbs, and all that's left is finding some poor shmoe to clean the tinsel off the balconies. The important thing here is our power consumption --"

"Rodney." She stopped him, and spoke clearly and emphatically. "Not. Now."

"Okay, fine, if you insist. By the way, have you noticed how grouchy everyone is today?"

Considering how Rodney had been acting for the last couple of weeks, she thought he hardly had the moral high ground there. "Other than you, you mean?" She quickly clamped her lips together; she really hadn't meant to stay it out loud.

Rodney gave her a peculiar look. "Are you okay? You keep rubbing your head."

"No, I'm not okay. I think I'm getting a migraine, at the worst possible time." Lowering her hand from her temple, she frowned at him. "How are you feeling?"

"Just fine, but you don't look so good. Maybe you should see Carson."

"That's where I'm going, if someone would stop pestering me with irrelevant problems."

Now he looked even more worried. "Okay, you definitely need to see Carson."

The infirmary was alarmingly full. At the sight of Elizabeth, Beckett groaned. "Oh no, not you too."

"She's got a headache," Rodney said, nudging Elizabeth in front of him.

"I know she does, Rodney. Half the people in the bloody city have headaches."

Rodney's eyes widened. "Well, if there's some sort of contagion going around, then count me out." He started backing towards the door. "I have way too much work to die of the Pegasus Plague today, thanks."

"Get back here, Rodney, you great coward." Beckett helped Elizabeth to sit down on the edge of a bed, his gentle hands at odds with the sharpness of his tone of voice towards Rodney. "I need a blood sample from both of you."

"Why?" Rodney demanded, clapping a hand over his arm protectively.

"Because I'm working on a theory." He tapped his radio. "Major Sheppard?"

He was using the main command channel, so Elizabeth heard both sides of the conversation. Sheppard sounded strained. "Doc, can this wait? I've got a few problems here."

"I just need to ask you about some of your men. And get a blood sample, if you have half a minute."

"Kinda busy right now, Doc." In the background, Elizabeth heard someone yell, "Sir, the Elves have taken the control room, and the Reindeers are gaining territory in the corridors outside!"

Headache momentarily forgotten, she touched her radio. "John, what's going on?"

"I'll explain in a minute -- hey, Bates, we need more stunners from the -- Bates, don't! Stop! That's an order, dammit!"

"Oh dear," Beckett muttered, and into the radio: "Major, if you can still hear me, don't rely on any of your people who don't have the gene, all right? Natural or artificial, doesn't seem to matter. Oh, and the Athosians seem to be all right, too."

"Yeah, Teyla's here. What's going on, Doc? Besides the fact that Atlantis seems to be involved in a turf war between rival gangs of decorators."

"If I only knew. All I can tell at this point is that something is causing everyone without the gene to become violent and irrational."

There was a crash over the radio. "I hope you're working on a cure, Doc, because things are getting a bit crazy up here!"

"Quick as I can, Major, quick as I can." During all of this, Rodney had been slinking towards the door, but one of the nurses caught him. "Thanks, lass," Carson murmured. "Hold still, I just need some of your blood."

"So ATA carriers are immune to this ... whatever it is?" Rodney asked, watching as his own blood was drawn. "Are you absolutely sure about that? It's not another nanovirus, is it?"

"Rodney, I don't know what it is. All I know is that increasing numbers of people in the city are showing elevated, and rising, levels of various hormones associated with emotion and aggression."

"PMS," Elizabeth said suddenly. When the men looked at her, startled, she explained, "It feels like I have a bad case of PMS."

"That would be about consistent with what I'm seeing. Kate's -- ahem -- otherwise sensible idea about the decorating contest is simply giving them an outlet for their aggression. The trouble is, I can't find any sort of toxin, biological agent or anything else that might account for --"

"The trees," Rodney interrupted. He was staring at a nearby wreath with a sort of wide-eyed horror that seemed more appropriate for watching Grandma fall into a river full of piranhas. Cheerfully wrapped in a red bow, the wreath had a small snowman dangling from the bottom. It looked innocent and festive.

Elizabeth stared, too. Come to think of it, the whole infirmary -- the whole city -- was full of the stuff. The skunklike odor was so pervasive that she had stopped noticing it. But now that she thought about it, the smell was making her slightly nauseous. If anything, it had only intensified as the branches dried.

"It almost has to be," Beckett said softly. "It's the only thing in the city that's changed in the last few days." He slapped his radio. "Major! We think it's the evergreen. Start tearing it down and getting rid of it."

Sheppard relayed this order to his remaining men. Elizabeth heard someone protest, "But sir, that really makes them mad!"

"I'll see if I can get the city's life support systems to open up the vents and dump in as much fresh air as possible." Rodney went for the nearest laptop, adding over his shoulder, "Now do you people believe that Christmas is dangerous?"

Carson was muttering to himself as he started ripping down garlands: "Can't believe I didn't think of it before, bloody stupid, bringing alien plants into the city without even doing allergen tests, damn lucky no one died ..."




The holiday fun continues in Part Two.
Tags:
Oh goodness, this is some holiday fun. Here are some parts that actually had me clapping with laughter (I react strangely, I know).

The whole insane greenery expedition snippets. John falling down a hole, Ford in quicksand being chased by wolves, falling over a waterfall to avoid killer bees, an avalanche, each new development was more delightful than the last, but I think the jumping snakes that spit poison 50 feet are what made me clap the most and decide I needed to start commenting as I went about what I laughed at most. :D Nothing can ever be simple, huh? I liked the bluesquitoes, too, very Ford name.

The brawl in the cafeteria had me rolling and the idea of the decorating turning into all out war with people claiming territory and all, too funny. I think I could imagine them doing that (not the pudding dunking necessarily) even without the skunk pine obviously messing with non-ATA brain chemistry. :p

Ha! What an image. "He was staring at a nearby wreath with a sort of wide-eyed horror that seemed more appropriate for watching Grandma fall into a river full of piranhas."

Oh, before all that, this little bit made me think I've been exposed to too many slashers in fandoms. "Sheppard approached him stealthily from behind, leaned over his shoulder and said in a conspiratorial whisper, 'I'm a candy cane.'" I don't know, it just struck me as dirty, though I know your stories are safe.

Now, on to the second half!
*giggle* Awesome review (part one!). Thanks for letting me know the parts you liked best, too. There is no better kind of comment for me, really. :-)
I normally don't comment part way, but I'm making an exception.

This is hilarious! I sat and chuckled for minutes over what happens to John and the Marines on the mainland. And you've got Rodney's attitude to Christmas just right.

And this...

"Sir, the Elves have taken the control room, and the Reindeers are gaining territory in the corridors outside!"

is such a hilarious visual!
*On to part two*
*laughs* You know, most of my stories begin with random snippets and fragments of dialogue. In this case, that was one of the first lines I wrote. I didn't know quite how I was going to get that into the story yet ... but I knew I had to use it!
Insanely funny. The retelling of the branch hunt was hysterical. And now the diabolical decorators from hell have taken over...my joy know no bounds.
Thanks so much! :D If there's one thing worse than ordinary interior decorators, it's interior decorating Marines on alien steroids...
*chuckles* I thought searating ATlantis into teams may have been a bad move - the competitive nature of them all but the headaches were a nice twist. So will they be able to tear Rodney away from his work to join in the saner festivities - that is once the greenery is removed?
Wow,
This is great! You had me laughing in that way when I'm so focused on what I'm reading that I don't know I'm laughing out loud -- and my roommate's upstairs asleep! I hope I didn't wake her, because I forgot that she was there, I was so swept up in your story.

My favorite part is when Rodney is in the infirmary, interrogating John about what happened to the evergreen-gathering squad. The part about the bees, waterfall, and avalanche was hilarious!
OMG I haven't laughed so much in ages! Not only do you write brilliantly serious stories but you excel at the humour too!!! Thanks so much for making me laugh until I cry (in a good way)! (Sorry but as you probably noticed I love exclamation marks, sometimes there is no other way to heighten a written emotion so quickly and succinctly!
Thank you very much! I'm happy that you liked it. Thank you for making my day by posting a comment on an older story; that's always a delight! :D